I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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