Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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