you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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