I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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