Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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