ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
