Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
