Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
