I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
