I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
