A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
