mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
