No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
