Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
