I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
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