I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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