I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
