Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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