Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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