Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
