I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
