I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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