I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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