You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Randomize
