I could make wine with my vomit
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
