There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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