My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
