My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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