i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
