Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
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Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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