Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
