I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
