the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
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No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize