I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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