I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You pole danced in your parka.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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