his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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