Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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