i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
