I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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