i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
