Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
