i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
