Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
