theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
