i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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