I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
