I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
