Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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