it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
