my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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