awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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