you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize