cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think people are normalizing furries
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
