In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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