My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
