don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
